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sex, drugs and rock n' roll

Re-born, quarter life crisis, or just realizing that your over-inflated ego is just a bunch of crap. You've done nothing. Despite what mommy or what you've convinced yourself of. You're shit. That's the realization I have come to recently; for whatever reason. Maybe it's my head clearing up as I haven't had a cigarette, drink or any other mind altering or addictive substance for two weeks now. Maybe it was being hit with strep throat and mono at the same time while deciding to throw my body into massive detox. Maybe it's life in big corp settling in, or watching real estate prices rise and realizing how far you have to go before you claim a little piece of shit that you call your own. If you know me well you know that I tend to freak out on a regular basis about the usual things, where the hell am I going, what do I want, where am I; typical thinking for the stressed out, grew up too fast twenty something with cash. Not enough cash mind you, just enough to keep you in a kind of drug induced happiness that you know isn't real, but somehow you manage to ignore and charge full speed towards the image. This freak out seems to have some substance. This doesn't seem to be the Sunday evening, alone, stressed about Monday work, sleep deprived and light in the pockets after a 5 day bender type of freak out. That type of freak out is superficial and fake; there is no substance to it, and it's pathetic. Formulate thought in head. Re-wind. I haven't done anything. I have taken no real risks. Everything I have done and succeeded with has been the result of hard work towards safe bets. I'm sick of being safe. I want to jump right off the fucking mountain. There is too much in this life to experience and do to spend most of it in a green padded cube. Stop right there. I'm not going to bitch about work in the traditional and what would have been the oh so predictable "Fight Club" manner that you were expecting next. No. Get this. I love my job. Yep. I really love it. There are a lot of things I love in my life though; it doesn't mean that I want to put all of these things I love in a room and sit with them for the rest of my life. Maybe this is a real test of my ego; maybe this is how I can prove to myself if I really am as good as I think. Then I can look at other people with the same attitude as I have and say, "prove it." This is deeper than that though, however good that would feel in that fleeting moment. This is a complex web of feelings that involve wanting to be outdoors, creating, proving, traveling, seeing, experiencing. I think that if I don't jump, and take a risk...I'm going to jump somewhere else; and it involves clouding your mind in order to deal with what you aren't doing, and what you are going to become. So here it is. My proclomation. I am jumping. It's a long fall so I have some time to get acclimated to the drop in altitude, but I've got to react a lot quicker than watching fat grow on belly in front of the TV. Later.